Ask Dr. Sonja: Week VII

[Sonja]

(Taylor Swift, in town Sunday to perform at the Kentucky State Fair, makes her case to replace Earl Clark at power forward for the Cards this year. Whoa! Expect a ton of hand checks by the opposition...I wonder who she's "flipping off" on the side stage. Billy G? )

Please present your insurance cards and list your allergies, the Dr. is in and has finally finished her forced and belated spring cleaning...thanks to Terry. You guys can quit sending the boxes of wine and used panties to me...and whoever was responsible for sending that Boy George (or was it Boyce George?) Greatest Hits CD...that just wasn't right, y'all. Turn your head and cough...here's the questions.

TO THE ATTENDING PHYSICIAN:

I'm a former coach here in the Commonwealth that has recently picked up a bunch of weight. I experienced a little difficulty driving central Kentucky roads early in the morning and I've recently taken up night putting. Is this a good way to shed these few extra pounds? Should I go in for an eye exam?

Thanx.
Gee Billy

DEAR GEE:

Only if you don't average a beer a hole and top of the evening with several bottles of the house red. I would recommend that you either hire a driver to bring you back from the course if your sight is bothering you, or invest in some breath mints and eye drops first. It's never a good idea to get all jacked up in unfamiliar territory and let's face it...do you have any reason to still be in Kentucky 5 months after you've been terminated? Are you thinking Campbellsville University is going to hire you? Pay your fine and head back to the steers and barbeque in the Lone Star state, pardner....seems like you had 20/20 vision there.

YO..WASSS UP DOC!

Dig, I was you know just chillin in da crib when the law come swoopin in an come on wid da search thang and your boy here got busted. Cold, dog. I was tripin'. Weren't doin nuthin and they be actin all crazy an say I be like a dealer or sumthin. I mean, seriously holmes...you know. I been set up. Can I like git one of those you know presciptions from you for chronic because of my eyes or sumthin? Help a brother out here, doc...it's all good.

Peace.
L-FLUBB

DEAR L-FLUBB:

There are people feel that the recreational use of an herbal supplement like marijuana is OK and shouldn't be against the law. In, Kentucky...though...it is. Especially if you're keeping several pounds of it around the house. California is the place to be if you want to legally get buzzed on the smoke...and since you're originally from there...call me Dr. Obvious or something, but...maybe you should return. Consult my associate Dr. Feelgood out there and when your court case comes up here in the Ville, just tell the judge that someone just had asked to store some oregano from their garden with you until they could sell it to Rainbow Blossom. And buy a few bottles of Test-Clean.

HI, DR. SONJA!

I recently accepted a new position up north and I'm finding things are quite different than they were in my previous job in the Wild and Wondeerful state. My employees say I make them work too hard and there are a considerable lack of couches here. Most the people have a full set of teeth and I can't find any John Denver CD's. It wasn't what I bargained for. Would it be inappropriate to contact my old boss and see if I could get my old job back?

NOT A STREET ROD

DEAR ROD:

Changes in latitude, changes in attitude...my friend. One of the keys to making friends and influencing people...and ultimately being successful is to adapt to the local ways and customs of your new enviroment and use it to your advantage. In your area, self applied face slaps after crucial losses seem to go over very well. Beating your rivals helps, especially if they are "State" type schools.

Trying to go back to an old employer can be risky...especially if the people in that area carry shotguns and you totally screwed the pooch when you left. If it all goes badly, sometimes the best thing is to just act like a total idiot, belittle the media and your current employer will offer you a buyout deal. Then, you can retire to Cancun and play offshore parlays on Big Ten or Big East football. Just don't go night putting with a belly full of vino and try to drive. For futher assistance, you might want to call 1-800-WVU-EERS. Oh, and Ann Arbor isn't some hot chick with an attitude. It's a city.

OK, youse guys....Doc has got to start getting ready for the beginning of the college football season. Lots of young men need those final physicals so they can perform well for their teams and ol' Doc Sonja is ready to poke, prod, grope and "stress test" each and every one of them! Take a deep breath, you might feel a bit of pressure and ignore the other gals in the room with me....honey. Purely objective observation. Waiter, where's my wine? Rate 'em, girls!

[Terry Jackson]

I'm sorry Doc, did you say something? I can't seem to scroll past the pic.