DJ Tim at the Movies: Volume 1

[Timothy Bryant]

Welcome Cardinal faithful, to the hottest new column on Cardinal Dominance. It's long been thought......... in the short time we've been here, that DJ Tim, was/is/will always be, the authority on all things film related. Now I'm proclaiming myself the unofficial movie critic for the site in a piece I'm calling "DJ Tim at the Movies." And what better way to start off this ode to all things silver screen than with a double feature? For those of you wondering how this is going to work, all films will be given an honest watch from beginning to end. I'm going to try to stay on films at the theater, new releases and underground films. All films will be rated on a scale of 1-5 birds. Without further ado, I bring you the yin and the yang, the night and the day, the Cats and the Cards, the good and the bad..... hmmmm, maybe the great and the terrible......hmmmm, how about the incredible and the god-awful, a review of "District 9 and G.I. Joe:Rise of the Cobra."

It seems like everybody likes to start with the bad news when given the choice. Well if you're a bad news first person, then boy do I have some bad news for you.....I paid $8.00 to see the 'Turdtanic' known as G.I. Joe. I'll start with the good points that can be made about G.I. Joe. It's a short list.

1. It's still better than "Knowing" with Nick Cage
2. It wasn't very long.

Alright now it's time to rip this movie a new one. If you were to ask me to make a bad movie that has no chance of ever harboring critical acclaim and gave me free reign to do whatever I want, I would make G.I. Joe. I'm going to explain the seven step program to making a bad movie and show that all seven bases were covered by the director.


Step 1. I say that because the quickest way to flush a movie down the drain, no matter how good the premise, is to hire one of the Wayans brother's to be in it. Well we've got that covered.

Marlon Wayans - Check


Step 2. The second step to making a completely bad movie in today's world is to have hokey dialogue. Results........

Terrible dialogue - Check


Step 3. If you really want a bad action movie you have to have one actor playing a part that will go down in history as his low-point. You can usually tell that the actor/actress is mailing it in as even they know they're just collecting a paycheck.

Overqualified actor/actress in a shitty movie - Dennis Quaid


Step 4. Bad special effects.

Don't even get me started here. They had better special effects on reading rainbow. Somehow the Eiffel Tower was attacked by Slimer from the Ghostbusters, or so it looked, and melts to the ground.


Step 5. Silly Cameos.

I wasn't sure they'd fit this into G.I. Joe, but then they mastered this step. Brendan Fraser shows up, announces a goofy G.I. Joe name like 'Roadblock' or 'Mortar' or something stupid like that, shoots a gun and then disappears.


Step 6. Ridiculous Romance.

Somehow the main character in this film falls in love one of the main villains and stays in love with her while she goes on a killing spree throughout the film.


Step 7. The Sequel Setup

This film has one of the most open endings of a film I've ever seen. They should have just plastered, "To Be Continued" on the end like Robert Zemeckis did with Back to the Future.

Overall Score: 1 bird out of 5



District 9


What can I say? I love Sci-Fi movies. Aliens, Total Recall, Terminator, Predator, and of course the king of them all Blade Runner. They've been around for over 50 years, yet there's only a handful of them that will truly be immortal. To truly decide whether a movie is great or a bona fide classic, the question you have to ask is whether or not this film will be relevant in another 50 years. After watching District 9, I can tell you that this film will be relevant for as long we're on this rock.

District 9 is the story of a young bureaucrat who's in over his head as the head of a new alien relocation project. Rewinding for a second you have to understand the beginning of the movie highlights a fictional landing of an alien mothership. The aliens are sickly, malnourished and on the verge of death. We as humans take them in and try to help them out by setting up camps for them to be cared for in. Camps soon resemble concentration camps with constant military guard. As the ship halted over a major city, the camps are on the outskirts. Well after 20 years, people are tired of the disgusting aliens living right next door to them, so the MNU, the organization in charge of policing the aliens, decides to relocate them far from the city. Since there are humanitarian groups fighting for alien rights, the move has to be nice and kosher, complete with eviction notices signed by each alien head-of-household. Our protagonist is put in charge of this eviction process.

The film starts off in a documentary style of shooting, and makes a transition to normal film about 30 minutes in. It's at that 30 minute mark that the movie really takes off and you're on the edge of your seat for the next hour and a half.

I'd love to tell you this movie has so and so in it, or is a Spielberg picture, but I can't. This is the director's first film, and I'm told the main character has no previous acting experience. Don't let this fool you. This director is a genius, as proven by the fact that he's under the wing of Peter Jackson. And as for the main character, I'd be shocked if this is the last we hear of him.

If you have a spare two hours at any point in your week this week I can't stress enough how much this is a must see film. For anybody who loves sci-fi or any history buffs that have always been intrigued by the cruelties of apartheid, I urge you to fork out the money and can all but guarantee your time won't be wasted.


4.5 Birds out of 5

[Shannon]

Damn! District 9 that good? I will have to definately peep that. I am a movie lover, along with Nikki. In the off-season, we watch movies all the time, but watch sports during the season. We are not much for tv shows or series.

I will have to peep it. I have a shitty copy of GI Joe, and I fell asleep during it, but I was tripping at all the stars. I am going to watch it again today, and see what I think.

I have Transformers 2, but I think Nikki's son says it stops like half way through the movie, but they seemed to be into it, but they are much more easily amused as I am.

District 9. Sold!

[Troy Medley aka TheAngryBird]

Keep it coming Tim. I don't get to go to movies much so I need someone to let me know which movie gives me the most bang for my buck.

[Shannon]

Yeah. Me too. I buy like 2-3 movies a week, or should I say Nikki does from 'the movie guy' for $5 a piece every Monday, and there are so many just terribly shitty movies out there now.

We watch some of these movies at times, and it was just a total waste of time, and we are pissed afterwards.

For instance, yesterday I watched The Express and The Perfect Storm again. I have watched Shawshank, Invincible, Remember the Titans, We are Marshall, The Last Samurai, Gangs of New York, 300, Troy, Master and Commander, the entire Pirates of the Carribean trilogy, and movies like those probably 20 times a piece.

I find myself going back to the 70's and 80's looking for old Jack Nicholson, Robert Duvall, Tommy Lee Jones, Clint Eastwood, Robert DeNiro, Al Pacino, etc. movies to watch. Most have been great, and way better than most I watch as of recent.